Sebastian is three years old and is somewhat shy when talking. As with most children learning to use language, words do not always mean the same thing to them as they may to us.

 

When I come in he calls “Papa” but calls his dad “Rob”. Ok, I’m your grandfather so why does he refer to me as “Papa”?

 

How many times have you had a conversation with others and wondered what are they really trying to say? What is being conveyed? Where did that come from?

 

All good questions if you are trying to improve your communications and relationships. This is where the last 4 of 9 questions comes into play and how they can make you a better listener and communicator…….

 

So the previous 5 questions dealt with the words, tone and body language involved in the communication. All of which gives us insight into the other party and what they might really be saying.

 

These 4 questions look more at the backdrop if you will. What is the other parties view, beliefs and values and how are they influencing the communication?

 

 

The plant manager has a conversation with the maintenance crew about painting a wall in the plant. He had conveyed the idea of getting it painted today and preferably with blue paint.

 

That afternoon he sees the wall has been painted and a very nice job at that. Unfortunately the color is bright red!

 

Of course the maintenance crew is called and asked why the red paint!

 

Yes we heard blue, but we understood that getting it painted today was the urgent part. We did not have blue paint, but had plenty of red so we chose to get it done today in red rather than wait to get blue paint.

 

Was the maintenance crew wrong? What was the crux or issue that was conveyed? Might the manager have emphasized the today part and loosely inferred that blue would be nice, yet not mandatory?

So when we communicate to others, are we sure the right message is being received and in the proper order?

 

That brings us to the next question:

 

 

In the conversation about the wall, why was blue important?

 

How often have you been directed to do something without an understanding of what or why?

 

As a child did you ever ask your parents why you had to do something and the answer was “Because I said so!”

 

Now the plant manager wanted the wall to be blue so the production crew could easily see it and know that is where certain tools were to be kept. There were already five other walls painted red with no real meaning to the color.

 

The question is, did the maintenance team know this? Was this vital piece of information provided so they could see the intend outcome? Should they have asked “why blue?”.

 

In our own conversations, do we sometimes assume we understand the crux or intent behind the message?

 

This is where the keen observer would pickup on the blue paint and would think, then ask why blue. This requires listening to the total message that is being delivered rather than contemplating the plan or thinking about the other things you would rather do.

 

So in comes the next question:

 

 

Now some of you are wonder why the maintenance crew would have not followed the words to a tee?

 

The fact is that our past experiences influence our choices and understanding of situations.

 

In the past when the plant manager said “today”, that meant what ever it takes to have it done today! Many times this meant altering the initial order if needed to get it done within the time frame.

 

So the maintenance crew looks at their options, determines that using blue paint may delay the project and not getting it done today. The alternative, paint it red like the rest of the walls. Seems perfectly logical doesn’t it?

So two issues have occurred here:

 

Yes, communications is a two way street and both parties have to be responsible for both conveying and listening!

 

If either had simply asked one question, the outcome would have been different.

 

But wait the last question:

 

 

In a plant meeting last week the plant manager had outlined his plan for updating the plant and improving some efficiencies. Part of that discussion was the idea of different color paints to distinguish different areas.

 

In his mind the maintenance crew should have know about this, or did they. The manager’s frame of reference was that everyone knew the plan he had outlined once.

 

The reality was that the maintenance person that attended the meeting was out this week!

 

I find this happening many times to myself. I’ll know so much about a topic or skill set that my assumption becomes “everyone knows this”. Guess what, they have not studied it for 20 years and taught hundreds of others about it. This is their first exposure and they are lost!

 

It is interesting how our experiences, perceptions and assumptions influence what we say and how we say it.

 

If we can understand the reference behind the communication of others, might we get a different view and therefore alter how we communicate?

 

That’s why the 9 questions are so key to enhancing our communication ability. They help us to remember that it is not all about us, rather it is about them! It’s about understanding where others are coming from and how that effects what they say and understand. It’s about us being aware of our own assumptions and influences and how they can interfere with our communications.

 

Here are all 9 …..

 

 

If you address all 9 in your communications, just might it avoid the scenario like the paint one above?

 

By the way, over the holiday we visited another family that attends the same daycare as Sebastian. The young girl sees her grandfather and yells “Papa, Papa” and gives him a hug. Ok, all of us old guys must be “Papa”. Sebastian’s frame of reference is a four year old!

 

Till next week, Observe, Observe, Observe!!!

 

Harlan Goerger
National Director of Training

 

© Harlan Goerger 8-2007