This past week I’m meeting with Jeff, a coaching client and talking about his small business. As we discuss his week and the issues that came up, it was obvious that the tail was beginning to wag the dog once more!

 

Personnel issues were at the forefront and creating time and production issues for him. As the discussion continued the focus moved to longer term results and how to get them.

 

Here is where I asked the question;

“What is the difference between telling and leading someone?”

 

If you’re in sales, management, leadership or a parent, you’ll want the rest of this story…..

 

The return look was somewhat puzzled, yet Jeff indicated that telling usually is not as effective as showing someone how to do something.

 

“You’re right, showing someone is more effective, yet is that necessarily leading?” I asked.

 

Once more the puzzled look and an “I’m not sure” response.

 

“Which is better in your opinion, get some one to say yes to a told directive or having them think through a situation and come to their own conclusion and plan?” was my next question.

 

“Well, having them think through and come up with their own plan is better!” was the quick response.

 

“And why is that?”

 

“It’s their idea so they are far more likely to get motivated to do it and see it through.”

 

“And the results for you as a leader?”

 

“Oh, I would guess they would have more motivation and be getting more done without me having to direct them all the time. I could see more time for me to do other things and hopefully less errors from a don’t care attitude.” Jeff responded.

 

“That’s right, now the question is, how do you communicate with your team? Are you telling or are you leading them through a thinking process?”

 

“I have to say I’m telling 100% of the time.”

 

“Why is that?”

 

“I guess I don’t know how to lead them through a thinking process. How do you do that?” was his response.

 

The first key to persuasion is: It’s not about you, it’s about them!

The second key to persuasion is: Get the persuasion and their picture to fit!

 

“Well, you gave me an example of your employee talking to a customer about a possible project. The employee made some negative remarks about the part the customer had brought in. You felt this was inappropriate and could have created a customer relations problem. What could the employee have done differently to create a better outcome?” I asked.

 

“He should have just not said anything.”

 

“True, yet you do want dialog between your team and the customer?”

 

“Yes, so how could we do that without the negative comments?”

 

“What if you trained your team to ask instead of tell? What if the employee would have asked, “How do you feel about the quality of this part?” How would the dialog have been different? How could he have made his point about the lower quality he was seeing in a better way?” I asked back.

 

“Ya, that would have changed the entire conversation.”

 

“So let’s take that same idea into your conversations with your people. What if you asked them rather than tell them? What if by using questions you could cause them to think through the situation and come to their own conclusion that just happens to fit with your outcome?” was my next query.

 

“Ok, I see the point, but how do I do this?”

 

“It’s called open questioning and write this down, you use the words how, why and what in your question. This will cause the other party to engage and tell you more. Add the words think or feel and you can direct their answer to provide you more insight.”

 

We then did a role play with Jeff being an employee and I as the manager. It was interesting how he had to really think in order to respond to the questions I asked. Jeff also realized that the answers became very obvious once he had thought it through. The answers also fit the outcome he wanted!

 

We then reversed roles and Jeff asked the questions.

 

Yes he struggled formulating the questions plus he tended to keep talking or address his own question before I could answer. Another challenge also emerged; Jeff tended to ask the first question, get an answer and then go back to “telling” mode rather than ask a second question.

 

So let’s address the barriers I see when people begin using this powerful communication tool!

a.       Use how, why, what or tell me in you questions

b.      Consider the ultimate outcome, then the minor key points to get to that outcome

c.       Create questions about each minor point which will lead to the outcome

d.      Ask clarifying questions along the way to solidify and direct the conversation and points. (why, tell me more, how come, explain that)

e.       You may have to ask 2-4 questions to get the real answer!

 

a.       People need time to process the question, ask and shut up

b.      If the other party does not understand, most will ask for clarification

c.       People are not use to this type of communication, it is more foreign than you think, be patient.

d.      Ask a question and count to 10, most will respond by then and it keeps your mouth shut.

e.       Keep your questions simple, 10 words or less will force you to be concise.

 

a.       Remember, you are leading this person through a thinking process

b.      Asking just “Why” is enough to keep the person thinking and talking

c.       Remember, it’s not about you; it’s about them and their thinking!

d.      Pausing to answer or ask the next question is just fine!

e.       Listen! They will tell you what to ask next!

 

After some more practice Jeff felt better prepared to put this skill into action.

 

His plan, to have a meeting of his crew and lead them through various issues by asking questions, shutting up and letting them determine the best solution.

 

His challenges, to ask the right questions, allow the others to address the issues, to keep from “telling” his views and to be patient as the others worked through their thinking process.

 

We’ll keep you posted as Jeff works to develop his skill of “leading” instead of “telling”!

 

Do you want more on this high powered communication skill? Get our newly released book “The Selling Gap”, over two thirds of the material is on questioning skills! www.TheSellingGap.com

 

Give it a try, you will be surprised!

 

Till next week, keep asking!

Harlan Goerger, National Director of Training

 

© Harlan Goerger 10-2007